loose threads

on the eve of the new year, i feel i stand at a precipice. there are ways down from this precarious perch, and i must choose one. this is only a vista point, a moment to catch my breath and survey the world around me. to see how far i’ve come. the final steps to reach this place have been difficult. i’ve fallen. my knees are scraped, and there’s dirt in my hair. but i made it. i’m finally here. 

my pack sits heavy on my shoulders. the path down will be easier with less weight. what don’t i want to carry anymore? i remove shame from my pack. such an odd little creature. shame can help us learn important life lessons (i firmly believe that notc’s should be shamed loudly in the public sphere, for example). conversely, shame can grow into an all-consuming monster that convinces us that our flaws are irredeemable and congenital, that we can never change. that the only thing about us IS the shame. even when the shame is made of lies. it’s exhausting and demoralizing. it prevents us from making any movement toward change. 

i’m sorry, monster, but you’re staying behind. i am grateful for your lessons, but i’m ready to move out of your shadow. roam free, and be well.

there is also fear, a cousin of my shame. fear is a funny thing in my life; i seem to either have none or have far too much, depending on the situation. fear and i meet in dreams quite often. this year, we met again and again, uncovering minute cracks that needed attention. we have so much more work to do, you and i. and fear, you already look a bit lighter now that the shame monster has gone.

i move onward into a new year, as do we all. i remember my failures, losses, gains, and wins. i’m grateful to their lessons. for myself, i seek to find balance in my life where it hasn’t existed before: in relationships, in experiences, in creativity. i was always meant to create; i’m sad that it took me so long to find my paths there, and sometimes i am frozen by fear when i consider the task of redefining my life so that it is livable. can i survive all of the selves i must shed in order to Become again and again? 

fear tells me i mightn’t. shame tells me i deserve stagnation and stasis. but my heart knows the sun rises each morning, cresting the peaks of all my fears and all my shame. so i turn my face toward that hope, of the sun warm and welcoming to my skin, a sweet, fragrant breeze at my heels as i take one step and then another forward into the next journey.

may your paths forward be clear as we step into a new time. the new moon has granted us a gloriously blank slate to dream, manifest, and set our intentions for the next cycle. i wish an abundance of love and security for you and your loved ones. thank you so much for being here; i am so grateful for your support 🖤 -rjm