loose threads

i anticipated this trip for all of 2024. without realizing it at the time, i selected a highly charged weekend (full moon, equinox) to embark on what felt like a significant branch of my journey home to myself: a boudoir photo session with the PNW as my backdrop. the boudoir session has been on my bucket list since my 20s. i love pin-ups, burlesque, cabaret. in my mind, it wasn’t hard to see myself in black lace, demurring for the camera. but outwardly, it didn’t feel accessible to me or my body, which i actively battled on a daily basis. it wouldn’t be until my 40s and one of my special interests would collide to introduce me to the perfect photographer and ideal backdrop.

i flew to seattle with two entire suitcases, which i am loathe to do again without better planning. one suitcase was dedicated entirely to the clothes for my photos, and the other had everything else i’d need over the weekend for the rest of my adventures. thursday evening was dinner in the market, an evening sit on a quiet street, and last minute preparations for the photo session early in the morning.

i woke up at 5am friday for the photos and was out to the rental car by a quarter to six. because i wasn’t already stressed enough, the car refused to respond to the fob budget gave me for the car. it had worked the day before when i locked the car. i texted kendra in a panic that i couldn’t get into my car. i tried one more time to unlock the car and this time, it worked without hesitation. WHAT. also, a very light mist had begun falling as i panicked next to the car.

the combined time and weather made seeing much of the city on my way to the location impossible. by the time i reached I-90 and turned east, the mist had become actual rain that required windshield wipers, and i became a little nervous about the future of the shoot. (if it wasn’t clear earlier, these photos took place outside, along a nature trail.) maps sent me to an intersection for our meeting spot, so i had to use siri while navigating an unfamiliar road in the dark and the rain. somehow it worked and i pulled up to a dark trail head while it rained. and a breeze kicked up for a moment. and it rained.

fortunately, we were able to get out on the trail and to our starting point after a few minutes of patience. it was a surreal moment, traipsing up a trail in my crocs (met a beetle who was hard at work at important beetle tasks), lugging a bag of lingerie through the ferns and moss-coated trees. the sun wasn’t up yet, and we wouldn’t have seen it even if it had been. the rain began to let up, so i also began to let up…my clothing. 

it was surprisingly easy to shed my clothing and pull on lingerie in front of a total stranger while standing in the middle of the trees. we started overlooking a field that had serious mr. darcy-striding-across-it energy, which full disclosure did give me goosebumps for half a second. i wandered through the grass barefoot. i laid down in  the grass. i hugged the mossy trees. i straddled a wooden bridge (like a lady), i almost fell into a pool of water (several times), and i achieved my goal of getting the cream gown muddy and wet.

for the rest of the day, i felt powerful. it ended up lasting the entire weekend. i’m so grateful to my body for proving we’re still strong in there somewhere. i spent friday morning around the space needle and beyond, enjoying music, flowers, architecture, the bluest sky, used books, souvenirs, and people-watching. in the evening, i saw the always incredible howie day at the triple door downtown. afterward, i walked back to my hotel and fell asleep before 11pm because it had been a long, long day.

saturday morning, i felt a little bleary and sore but strangely energized and determined to find the galway stone down the street from the hotel. i changed, grabbed some coffee from the hotel, and headed out into the world. it was the most glorious day ever. sun. a few clouds. perfect temperature. 

i walked down to the pier while i listened to sigur rós, which was a great decision for being near the water. i can’t explain it. if you listen to them, you understand. right? anyway, i found a giant cruise ship, which was funny because my parents were currently on a giant cruise ship. i also found the galway stone!

from here, i wasn’t sure what to do. i had no plans. i wanted to sit by the water, so i began walking toward the market area. i found a nice big pier to hang out on, and i really wish i could snap my fingers and go back there. hunger drove me off the pier, then an antique market distracted me, and then an artists’ market. then halfway up the stairs to the street level, i thought i might not have legs anymore. eventually, i found some rest and lunch.

another walk back to my hotel for some downtime and rest before yet another walk to the triple door for a second evening with howie day. great music, excellent banter, extremely gracious. 

i ended saturday night on the rooftop of the hotel watching the moon shift slowly across the blue-black sky. the neighborhood was relatively quiet and i had the space to myself for several blissful hours. 

it was a perfect weekend, full of experiences and downloads for senses. i got to see myself like i’ve never seen myself before. i got to wander through some of the most beautiful flora i’ve ever seen. this post should be more poetic but honestly, there are so many details that i’m still processing. i can’t wait to see what blossoms from all of this beauty and metamorphosis.